The Day I Never Expected

dear friends,

This is the day that I never expected, never wanted and never prepared for, but it is here. Johnny's 43rd birthday. Colon cancer diagnosed yesterday. CT today. Liver metastasis. I can't comprehend it, yet I have to.

I can tell you that of the four of us, Johnny is the strongest followed closely by Quinn. Quinn just wants to know that we can beat this and is confident that we will. "What do we have to do?" We. All four of us together. WE can do it.

Jake is a close third place to my fourth. He thinks the "C" word means the "D" word. I can't argue the point right now. He got out of bed last night at about 1:00 a.m. and turned on the bathroom light. I got up to see who was up. Jake and I spent the next hour watching M*A*S*H re-runs and trying to get sleepy. Didn't work for either of us. I found him this morning with his old friend "Beary", a stuffed bear from when he was 5 years old, snuggly wrapped in his arms. I kissed him goodbye and told him that daddy and I were headed to the hospital for a CT scan. I saw Beary and said, "Sometimes it is nice to have a visit from an old friend, isn't it?"

I am a complete and utter mess. Johnny is the love of my life. I have loved him every single day since June 19th, 1984, when he kissed me for the first time. I never looked back. He is THE ONE for me. No doubt. I am THE ONE for him. I still get goosebumps when he kisses me. I still can't believe that he picked me for the rest of his life. And I am his.

OK, so here is where we stand: Colonoscopy on July 8th showed a 3-inch section of sigmoid colon has a tumor, probably malignant, that needs to come out. Dr. O'Dea is confident that Johnny will not need a colostomy. Scheduled a CT for today, July 9th. CT at 0830 this morning. In the mean time, Dr. Delle Donne's office (pronounced del-a-donna) calls to schedule surgery consult for Monday, July 13th, at 0830. Dr. O'Dea calls at 4:30 p.m. to tell us the results of today's CT. Not good. Multiple lesions found in the liver. Holy shit. Johnny is a little overwhelmed, Pam is inconsolable. What do we tell the kids?

We are being honest with the kids, with an all-positive spin. It is in the liver, true, but Johnny is a healthy young guy with no other medical issues to deal with. I tell the kids that we are going to KICK CANCERS ASS. They are on board with this.

My mom and dad, sisters, brothers-in-law, and Johnny's whole family are completely overwhelmed with this news. We all had a good cry together and then pulled ourselves back together. John and Ginger are heading home from the cabin on Sunday. Ginger will go with us to the surgery consult on Monday. I just may need her there. . . dontcha think? On Molly's blog, she refers to John and Ginger as FIL and MIL (or crazy MIL) for Father-in-law and Mother-in-law. I am thankful for each member of this crazy family.

Also, thank God for friends. After the horrible news from this afternoon, Shelly and Laurie (my Diamond Girls) show up at the end of my driveway and call my cell phone. "We are at the end of your driveway, can we come in?" Of course. Just what I needed, too. After two bottles of wine (consumed by me, Angie, and well, mostly me) I have gone two full hours without crying and feel stronger. After everyone leaves, the boys (Quinner and Jakey) and I are left by the fire on the deck. I ask them what they are thinking. Quinn has a tummy ache. Jake says we can do it. I agree with them both.

Tomorrow I seek Hope from the oncologist. He better give it to me, or I will wrestle him to the floor.

Right now, just pray. For my Johnny.