So long for now, my Toad Prince

Where to start. . .

When I wrote last I knew we were getting close to the end.  I had NO idea we were that close.

In my last post I had failed to mention that when we got home on Wednesday from the hospital, Johnny and I laid down to take a nap.  When I woke up, he wasn't in bed.  As a matter of fact, he wasn't even in the house.  I heard him outside yelling at the dogs to get in the house.  I rolled my chair out to the kitchen and found him standing in the garage trying to get Soleil to cooperate and get in the house. 

"What are you doing out here?"  I screamed at him.

He told me he had taken a walk back into the woods to see how in shape he was for bear hunting.  He came in the house and was walking around so strongly on his own.  It had been months since he had been able to walk with a solid/strong gait. 

"Wow, Look at You!" 

"I know, I feel great."

"Well, DON'T YOU EVER DO THAT AGAIN!!!  YOU ARE BARE-FOOTED AND WHAT IF YOU WOULD HAVE FALLEN DOWN!"

"I made sure I stayed where you could see me if I was laying on the ground."

That's my Toad.

Thursday came around and I was surprised that he was showing some signs of muscle weakening and the start of the familiar confusion I had come to really hate.  He was still conversational, and when Jim and Molly picked up the boys to go to Cedar Point, the boys kissed and hugged their dad.  Johnny told them to go and have the best time EVER.  They both left with, "I love you, Dad." being their last words as they walked out the door.

Thursday continued with the confusion worsening.  By Friday, he was mostly sleeping and didn't do any talking.  He would respond to me, but most of his responses were either hard to get out or not appropriate.

The hospice nurse came on Friday afternoon and did an assessment.  When she was done asking him/me questions, she asked me to come into the kitchen so we could talk.

"I have just met you, so I don't know how much you want to know."

Hello, it's me, so of course I said, "Everything."

She said, "He is progressing even faster than I think you realize."

"So, the 2-3 months that Dr. Ansari said is probably pretty optimistic?"

"Making it to the end of this month is probably pretty optimistic."

Long Silence.   Those little twinkly lights started to show up in my vision.  Deep Breaths, Deep Breaths.

We continued to talk about comfort measures and made sure that we had everything in the house to make this possible.  I asked about food and fluids.  Her response was that it wasn't really necessary any more.  He would soon lose his ability to swallow, and there was really no point in forcing him, which would only lead to having the food/fluids go into his lungs.

She said that soon he would lose bodily functions and may begin to get agitated easily.  She gave me instructions for every scenario she could think of.  She also made sure I had the Hospice number in strategic places around the house. 

Wow, that was a lot to absorb.  I've always considered myself a realist, but I thought she was talking about things that I had days to weeks to prepare for.

At bedtime Friday night, I told him everything the nurse had to tell me.  He was pretty lucid at the time, and I think he understood most of it.  I cried on his shoulder for a long time while he rubbed my shoulder.  I said, "I'm losing you and there isn't any thing I can do."  He said, "I'm ok.  You'll be ok."  I asked him again if he was scared and he replied, "Never."

I spent the rest of the night telling him how much I loved him and how happy he made my life.  I told him some of my favorite stories of "us".  He squeezed my hand and said, for the last time, "I love you, Babe."

He woke up Saturday and was basically in the recliner all day.  He went back to bed about 4 in the after noon and started moaning and was starting to lose consciousness, intermittently.  A build up of secretions had started which was making him sound like a motor boat with a weak engine.  As the evening progressed, so did the secretions.  By late evening I called Hospice for some direction on how to handle this level of fluid.  They told me what to do and I did it.  For about 10 seconds it seemed be better.  Over the course of the next two hours I called twice more.  I really found it hard to believe that I was struggling with this so much.  I felt like I was letting him down.

At about 1 a.m. Jimmy came over (to pick up kids from Bryanna's campfire next door) and just stopped in to see how Johnny was doing.  Having him with me was a gift from God.  I am so glad that I wasn't alone with all that was going on.  He helped me try to get Johnny comfortable by sitting up, laying down, whatever.  Nothing would stop his agitation.  I called Hospice again while Jimmy was here and just asked if someone would come out and check him.  At this point Jimmy and I both thought he sounded like he was drowning.

Within the next couple minutes, Johnny's agitation subsided, he became still, and took two very deep breaths and then stopped breathing altogether.  Jimmy and I looked at each other, and the only thing I could think to say was, "Oh, no, Jimmy."

And then his 13 month struggle had ended.  While my heart broke, I thanked God for his mercy in not having Johnny linger and struggle.

It is my belief that when Johnny took his walk in the woods, that was his "sudden burst of energy" that the terminally ill seem to get.  I also think this was his turning point for deciding that he wouldn't be strong enough to bear hunt. 

I miss him each minute with everything I have.  I loved him and he loved me.  That isn't something that death takes away. 

My eyelids are no longer cooperating, so I am closing for now. There is so much in my heart that I still have to share.

Quickly, here are the arrangements:

Visitation:
Thursday, 2-8 pm at Halbritter on Main St, Niles
We are encouraging people to wear their Fighting Toad shirts if they have them.  It's what Johnny will be wearing!

Funeral:
Friday, 2 pm at the Hope Community Church, Lake Street, Niles

Luncheon to follow:
Niles High School Cafeteria, 17th and Eagle St, Niles

Memorial Contributions can be made to the Brian Parker Memorial Foundation.
A college fund has been established at 5/3 bank for Quinn and Jake.

God Bless us all.