Wednesday, September 8, 2010


Today marks one month since my heart broke and a large piece of it traveled with my Toad to heaven.

The boys and I are doing as well as could possibly be expected.  We talk to each other a lot, cry together a lot, and even cling to each other when we need to. 

Obviously, the three of us haven't gone a single second without thinking, missing and loving Johnny.  I still expect him to come home, there is so much I have to tell him . . . but, I know.

School has started and with that comes the comfort of a schedule that needs to be followed.  I am still off work with my ankle/foot fractures, and appreciate this time that I've been given to be the mom my kids need right now.  I've pledged to love them as much as both me and Johnny combined.

I'm doing quite a bit of soul searching where returning to work is concerned.  No plans as to what capacity or how much I plan on working when I go back, but I know that there are drastic changes that I have to make due to the nature of my job and the need to be home for my boys.  I am praying daily for guidance.

I can't even begin to use the words "Thank You" again, because it isn't enough.  Every need has been met and that makes moving forward so much easier to tackle.  Every one of you have made that possible.  I love you all.

This will be the last post for The Fighting Toad.  Since it was started to chronicle Johnny's cancer journey, his death was the final chapter.  Thank you for staying with us on the journey and please keep our family, our entire family, in your prayers for a very long time. 

I have been asked if I plan to continue writing and the answer is:  I don't know.  Maybe once my head is clearer and I have everything settled I'll start a new blog. . . maybe.  I'll let you all know.

Here are a few things that Johnny lived by that I'd like to leave you with:
  • Surround yourself with good people.
  • Do the right thing, even if you are the only one doing it.
  • Be a good friend.
  • Follow the rules.
  • Love completely and say it at every opportunity.
May God continue to bless us all.


  1. Pam, I am so glad we got a chance to talk tonight. I learned so much from Johnny and am so grateful the last thing we said to each other on the last day we saw each other was "I love you". I have learned so much from you too and my heart is full of love you and your family while at the same time is broken for the incredible soul that has left the earth. Love to you all, Kelly

  2. Thank you so much for sharing your journey with the rest of us. You have truly enriched each of our lives with your display of love, family, tears and faith. We will always think of you and your family and remain grateful to you for sharing your story with all of us.

  3. Pammie, Quinn & Jake-

    We love you and are here. There aren't any easy words to speak or a list of things that we can plow thru to make any of this next step less of a burden on your hearts. Just know this, the words that Johnny lived by will live on within all of us and hopefully, in some small (albeit hopelessly inadequate) way Johnny will live on thru the actions those words inspire.

    You are on our minds and in our hearts-
    we love you all-
    Georgeann, Derek, Chad & Ryne

  4. Thank you so much for sharing Johnny's and Your journey. You are truly an amazing woman. Johnny was very, very lucky to have such a wonderful wife, friend, mother of his children and caregiver. Your blog has helped me see what my husband has gone thru and is going thru. You have shown me the other side, and I am forever grateful. You, your boys and Johnny will forever be in my prayers. Our paths have never crossed, yet there is still a connection. Your family has touched so many.
    With your faith, love and courage, and with God's hands, you will find the strength to make the necessary decisions and changes in you and your boys' future. God Bless

  5. Pam, I think reading your blog was as therapeutic for me as it was for you! I hope some day you get this whole blog in print even if it's just for your great-grand kids to read. The genealogist in me thinks this is a valuable piece of your family history.

    Much love to you and the boys.


  6. Pam -
    I know we don't know eachother that well, but I'm close with Al and Angie and I asked about how you and Johnny were doing a lot. I followed this blog every day. Having had cancer, sometimes it can be difficult to put into words what, or how you're feeling at times. You did a very good job of that. Johnny was lucky to have you by his side. And I'm sure he's still with you every day in some form.

    You have a wonderful support group. And we don't realize at times how important that can be.

    You did right by Johnny. And he knows that.

    As a side note - I really enjoy reading your writing. There's only a few of us out there that are creative enough with words to keep things interesting and people coming back. I hope once things calm down for you that you do start another blog. It might help as an outlet for you. It does for me.

    All the best,

    ~Jonathon Rose

  7. Pam thank you for the blog. My heart gose out to you and your kids (and your family). Everything about Johnny and his cancer has left such an impact on my life. You are two beautiful people who anyone being your friend would be honorable. I want you to know that I love you and i am always praying for you and your family.. God bless....Tera

  8. God bless you and the boys, Pam, and may he keep you strong as you start down the path of the next phase of your life. You all have a precious angel in heaven watching over you and protecting you as you go.

  9. Pam, Thank you for sharing your story with us. I will continue to pray for you and your family and for God to guide you in the right direction as you begin a new journey in life. Words cannot express the impact that you have had on all our lives. You have taught us some valuable lessons that we have forgotten along the way. To cherish every minute that we have on this earth, to love unconditionally, to forgive always and don't fret the little things. I hope that you will continue to write, you have a true gift. Someday I would love to hear the story about you, Johnny and a can of Mt. Dew that you talked about one day on your blog. Love and God Bless You