Not enough time . . .

Our hospice nurse, Deb, stopped yesterday to do a complete check on Johnny.  She was very thorough and asked many, many questions.  I liked her instantly.  I think in Hospice training they must have a class on speaking calmly and quietly, but with confidence. 

After her review of Johnny we went to the kitchen and she said, "I don't know you yet, so I don't know how much you want to know."  I do know me, so of course I said, "Everything.  And I want it straight."

"He is moving along very quickly."

Long silence followed.

"So you think the 2-3 months Dr. Ansari mentioned was generous?"

"I think making it to the end of the month may be generous."

While she was here, Johnny was still able to talk a bit and answer questions although I had to fill in the blanks of his confusion.  In just one day's time, he is unresponsive, incontinent, and moans pretty much non-stop.  I don't believe he is in pain, but I do give him his medications as directed by Hospice so that I know he isn't suffering.  At times he is agitated, but that is usually only for a few minutes at a time.  His wakeful periods are minimal.

The boys came home today from Cedar Point with Uncle Jimmy (not a Boo) and Aunt Molly.  When they left on Thursday, Johnny was still able to have a decent conversation.  They were devastated to walk in and see him in this condition. 

We took time for the four of us to lay together in our bed and talk about what Dad is going through and how long it could possibly take for him to pass.  As I have mentioned before, I feel like their childhood's have been ripped away from them.  It was in their beautiful eyes and on their sad little faces today.

Quinn asked if it was wrong to want him to die soon.  I told him that is was my shared prayer that if we can't keep him, then we would like God to be merciful and bring him home as quickly as possible.  Jake wants him to be cremated (which is Johnny's wish as well) because he doesn't want him stuck in the ground. 

Tonight I had to call Hospice to get direction for Johnny's uncontrolled secretions.  His cough isn't strong enough to manage them and he was having a hard time breathing and was doing a lot of coughing in response.  I gave the medicine that they provided and have noticed that over the past hour or so, he no longer sounds like a motor-boat trying to start up.  His moaning is nearly constant, so I just try to whisper to him or rub his back.  I don't think it helps him at all, but it helps me.

I'm trying to stay strong by meditating.  Ok, not the "hippie" type of meditation or the Ashram kind, just closing my eyes and trying to find the calmest spot I can find and stay there for as long as possible.  I only allow pleasant thought and beautiful images there, and I always hold Johnny's hand while I'm doing it.  I truly feel him calm along with me.  I don't have a mantra or anything, but just sitting still and being calm and quiet has a very positive effect on me.  I plan on continuing to do this even after Johnny has passed.

Do I have a feeling at all on how long I think it will be?  No, not yet.  I know that he has already gone 3 days without any food/hydration.  I just can't see him going on much longer, and truly it is too hard to watch my Johnny not actually be here while he is laying in our bed.  I already miss him so much.

Dear God, please bring him home to you quickly.